Mickey's Memories...

There have been a couple of times lately when I've been in a situation or heard something said that triggered a memory of growing up with dad, so I am going to start documenting those memories.

Driving to work this morning the thermometer in the truck showed that it was 27 degrees out. As I was walking from the parking lot to the School of Business it felt even colder than that, so I picked up my pace to get out of the cold. I was taking some pretty good strides and was thinking about how warm it was going to be once I stepped inside the heated building when I noticed the sound of someone coming up behind me at a faster pace. At first I was thinking that I was walking pretty fast, so the person coming up behind me must have some long legs; then as I looked over a saw the legs of the young man passing me taking much bigger steps than me, I flashed back in my minds eye to trying to keep up with dad as we were walking somewhere. Dad was never slow to get places, he always walked fast and with purpose.

Tonight as dad was getting undressed to change into his pajamas, I asked if his pants were ready for the laundry or if they could be worn again. As dad held his pants out for me to see that they were still clean, I said "They look like they'd be okay for another wearing." To which dad jokingly replied, "Yeah, they'll be good for at least another week or two." After dad's reply, I could hear him in my head singing "Black socks they never get dirty, the longer I wear them the blacker they get. Sometimes I think I should change 'em, but something keeps telling me, 'Oh no not yet!'"

Reality - TV

Dad has a hard time following the storyline of TV programs. After a few minutes of watching with us, he either says, "I just don't get what's going on." or "Didn't we just see this show yesterday?" The last comment usually comes if the show is a part of a series...he sees the same actors and thinks we already saw the show. But lately, he has also had a hard time separating what is happening on the TV with reality.

Living in this remodeling project that we call home, we watch a lot of HGTV's shows about remodeling. The other day we were watching the show Property Brothers. These two brothers are twins and one is a realtor and the other is a contractor. They find people that want to move, either to upgrade to a bigger home or get closer to work or something. After talking to the couple and finding out what they want in their new house and what their budget is, they take them to the perfect house that has all their wants, but of course is WAY over their budget. Then they show them a couple of other properties that are in their price-range, but usually need some TLC and remodeling. The contractor shows the couple two designs for the remodeled houses and the couple decides which house they want to go with. In the one we were watching, a couple was choosing the design for their daughter's room and couldn't agree between the wild wallpaper the wife wanted and just paint, which is what the husband wanted. The contractor brother had to mediate the decision and the couple was able to agree on a more subdued wallpaper. After the scene, dad piped up and said, "So what are we gonna do?" I was a little confused because that is usually what he says when he gets bored and wants to go somewhere, so I said, "What?" Then dad asked, "What are we gonna do, use wallpaper or paint?"

What's In a Name...

It's been a while since dad has called me by name. He's been in the process of forgetting it for quite some time.

Our conversations used to go something like this:

Dad: "Now, you're Michelle?"

Me: "Yes."

Dad: "And I'm your dad?"

Me: "Yes, I'm your daughter Michelle."

Dad: "That's right, and who was your mom?"

We haven't had that particular conversation lately. Whenever I come into a room where he is, I always say "Hi Dad!" so he knows he's my dad. I'm not sure he always gets the connection, but his replies lately are, "Hi Babydoll", "Hey Love", "Hi Ladybug" or some other endearment, instead of my name.

My niece Claire called today to see if we could meet for lunch. She and her husband Dan are in town visiting his family for the holidays. As we were getting ready to go to the car, dad was standing in the path to the door, so Tanner said, "Excuse me Grandpa" as he tried to get around him. Then dad turned to me and asked, "Who told these kids they could call me Grandpa?" I told him it was because he was their grandpa, that he was my dad and they were my boys, so that made him their grandpa. To which he had one of his classic comebacks, "Oh, that's how it works." He is really good at covering up when he realizes he should have known the answer to the question he just asked by making a joke about it.

Then, tonight for dinner I made dad a salisbury steak with scalloped potatoes and gravy...he's actually been eating really well lately! As he was eating it he had already told me a couple of times, "This is good soup!" Then about two minutes after the last time he said, "This is really good soup. You're quite the cook Suzy." To which I just said thanks.

Shoelaces...

Tonight as I was watching dad take his shoes off...well, actually dad doesn't just take his shoes off. He never has. First he unlaces them, next he loosens the laces, then he pulls the tongue back, then...he take his shoes off. So tonight as I was watching dad take his shoes off, I had a flash back to dad's voice telling me, "You're going to ruin those shoes by taking them off without unlacing them first."

Sometimes I Sleep on the Couch...

I am an insomniac. I have always had a hard time falling asleep. It is not uncommon to find me still awake at 1 o'clock in the morning, out in the living room either watching TV, reading, or playing games on the computer, because it keeps Eli awake if I watch TV in bed.

It used to be that every once in a while dad would wonder out at about 1 or 2 in the morning looking for the bathroom, because he forgets there is one in his bedroom. There have also been a few times that as I've walked past his room on my way to bed his light was on, and when I'd open the door to see what he's up to...he's dressed and puttering around his room...but lately it's getting to be more regular.

Two nights ago, I had gone up to bed at about 1:30 and had fallen into a pretty deep sleep and suddenly I heard "Hello!" It happened a few more times, but I was in such a deep sleep that at first I started incorporating the "Hello!" into my dream, until the mother instinct on me kicked in and I realized it was dad. When I got down to his room, he was standing in front of his window with the blinds open yelling "Hello!" I told him it was 2 o'clock in the morning and everyone was asleep, then asked him who he was calling. When I turned on the light, I saw that he was still in his pj's, but had on a belt and shoes. He told me he was looking "for the...for the...I feel like such a fool, I can't remember the name." He was holding his hands in like a circle shape, so I asked if he was looking for his flashlight but that wasn't it. He then informed me that he was working on a project for a Marine and had lost the part and was going to get in "all kinds of trouble" if he didn't find it. I told him I thought he had been dreaming...big mistake! He had NOT been dreaming, and was going to be in all kinds of trouble if this part was not found! Then I decided to join his reality and try finding "the round thing" that I knew didn't exist. After looking under his bed, in the drawers, and behind the door, I told him I couldn't find it so he should go to bed and maybe we'd find it in the morning. Dad just looked at me and said, "If you want to get me shot, I'll go to bed." I tried to calm him down and told him he wouldn't get shot, but he needed to lay down and go back to sleep. I got him back in bed and then went to go to the bathroom.

As I was walking back by his room on my way back to bed, I saw his light was on again. When I opened the door, he was looking for "the round thing" again. By this time, I am so tired that I just want to go to bed. Once again I try to help dad find this missing thing, but of course we are having no luck. I try a couple of times to tell dad we may have to wait until morning and just talk to the Marine and explain what happened, but dad is sure he is going to be put in jail because the Marine needs this missing thing "first thing in the morning." Now dad is visually upset and worried, and all I can think is "how am I ever going to get him calmed down and back in bed?" We look around some more, and now dad is calming down. I am finally able to tell him we can take care of it in the morning and he agrees, although he's not happy about it. Just as I get him back in bed and turn out the light, he says "Now I've got to go the bathroom" then makes a disgusted sound and says, "I should just piss myself." I turned his light back on and got hime steered toward the bathroom, happy to have a diversion to take his mind off "the lost thing."

Last night, right at 2:00 as I was getting ready to head to bed, dad came out of his room. I asked him what he needed and he told me he needed a ride home. When I walked over to him, he had shoes on with his pajamas and was carrying a coat, a shirt, and some pants folded up in his arms. I told him that he was home and I took him back to his room. As I was putting his clothes back in his closet, I noticed a bulge in his pajama top. I asked him what was in his shirt, as I was putting my hand inside it, and pulled out his wallet, three handkerchiefs, and a little pack of tissues. Then as he turned around to get in bed, I noticed his gloves tucked in the back of his waistband. This time it was a whole lot easier to get him back in bed!

I think maybe part of why I've started staying downstairs and falling asleep on the couch watching TV is because I know dad is probably going to wake up and start wandering. This way, I am here to guide him back to bed and make sure he doesn't wander outside.

I'm Dizzy and I Can't Get Up...

Yesterday as I was getting ready for work, I knew it was going to be a long day. I had a meeting at 8:00 a.m. to start it off, and I was going to need to attend the Legal Studies Advisory Board Meeting from 6:00-7:30 after work. I knew what I was in for as I was getting dressed, so I wore comfortable shoes and dressed comfortably.

At lunchtime, I needed to take Connor my car and have him drive me back, so that he would have a car to get to work. I am in the middle of a few projects at work, so I stayed pretty busy which made the day seemed to fly by. At 4:30 Eli called to tell me he was on his was and would be there to get me at 5:00. The plan was for him to pick me up, so that I could ride home with him and then bring the truck back for my meeting.

When we got home, Tanner was in the living-room by himself. I asked him where grandpa was, and was told he was in his bedroom. When I went to say "Hi!" dad was sitting in his chair, and he looked really pale. I asked him how he was doing and he told me he was dizzy. I asked he was dizzy while he was sitting down or if he got dizzy when he tried to stand. That's when he told me he was dizzy so he couldn't stand up. He just looked really bad, so I tried to take his pulse, but couldn't feel one. I thought he might be dehydrated, so I went to get him a drink of water. As I was getting the water, I told Eli about dad. Eli came back into dad's room with me, and suggested we call 911. As Eli was talking to the lady on 911, she told him not to give dad any food or liquids, so I skipped giving him the drink of water.

We live so close to the Fire Station that the paramedics were here in just a few minutes, and when they checked dad's pulse and blood pressure they were really low. They suggested that either they take dad to the ER or we drive him there ourselves. They had parked their ambulance behind our car, so we waited for them to hook dad up to an IV and then followed them to the hospital. At first we couldn't find a parking space, so Eli dropped me at the walk-in entrance to the ER while he went to find parking. As I walked up to the desk, I could see the paramedics wheeling dad in through a window in the door...already he looked WAY better. The IV really made a difference.

By the time the doctor came around to see dad, his blood pressure and pulse were back to normal. He asked a bunch of questions to try and figure out what might have caused the dizziness. He asked if dad had fallen and hit his head, and just as Eli and I were saying no, dad said "I fell on the freeway the other day." The doctor just told dad he should stay off the freeway and went on with his questions. He told us he wanted a run some tests in order to try and find the cause. After having blood drawn and giving a urine sample, a tech came to take dad for a CT scan. He also asked if dad had fallen lately, and just as I was saying no, dad started to say he fell the other day "when I was on the..." and then I remembered. Dad had fallen in the driveway...highway, driveway same thing right? After the CT scan they did an MRI and X-ray.

While we were sitting there waiting for the test results, I started reading an information sheet they had on the wall. It said that the average ER visit took 2 1/2 hours. After reading the sign I figured that we had been there 2 hours, so I mentally made a note to see if our visit was an average visit. About 15 minutes later the doctor came in and said all the test results came back normal. He mentioned that one of the tests showed that something with his liver was a little high or low (I can't remember), but that that could...could be a sign of dehydration. A few minutes later the nurse came and disconnected dad from all the machines, and we were on our way...2 1/2 hours after arriving.

We arrived home at about the same time I would have if I had gone to my meeting! Today dad is doing much better!

Scotty the Philosopher…

I am taking an Ethics and Values class at right now. Don’t let the name fool you though; most of the professors that teach the class have neither ethics nor values. For the past couple of weeks we have been reading writings of both Nietzsche and Camus. In their writings, both philosophers challenge us to think about the nature of morality and moral commandments, and about how we as individuals are effected by the ethical and moral demands and expectations of the society or culture within which we live. As part of a take home quiz I was asked to write a 750-1000 word essay either evaluating Nietzsche’s criticism of morality or give a critical analysis of Camus’ novel The Stranger.

Originally, I chose the first topic, but Nietzsche takes SO many words to say nothing, that I was having a hard time following him. Not to mention his moral command, live a happy life, and the fact that he does not pretend to believe in any other moral authority, including God. About a week ago, as Eli and I were driving home from somewhere, I was explaining my assignment and why I should switch topics. As I was explaining some of Nietzsche’s ideas to Eli, it was as if I (or Nietzsche) had challenged him. When we arrived home he got out my copy of Nietzsche’s writing and started reading through it and marking it up…in order to pick Nietzsche’s ideas apart…he was a man with a mission. But, since I’ve never been much of a philosopher, I switched and chose the second topic.

Then last Sunday as we were watching TV in the evening, a show came on the Science Channel that had two scientists discussing the existence of God. One was using science to argue that there was no way there could be a God, and the other one was explaining how that very same science proved there was a God. Listening to these two men got Eli and I talking again about how much the first scientist sounded like Nietzsche. Usually when we are watching TV dad has a hard time following along, and after a few minutes will say something like, “I don’t get what they are talking about.” Or “Do you know what’s going on here?” But this time he sat there with us…listening. I was sitting behind him at the desk and had thought he’d fallen asleep, that is until he started philosophizing with Eli! Dad was able to follow what the two scientists were saying and was able to articulate why the one was wrong. When it comes to the Gospel dad still remembers!