Our visit to the VA

Today I took the day off work drove dad up to the VA hospital in Salt Lake City.

I have a friend that I met when I was working at the prison that works for the VA. He was the VA rep for veteran offenders & I was his liaison at the prison. I mentioned to him back in February that dad had applied for a VA Aid & Assistance pension that is available for veteran's needing home health care or assisted living and he suggested I also get dad enrolled at the VA hospital. I guess the VA has two sides, the benefits side & the medical side. And even though the pension dad had applied for was to pay for medical expenses, it is through the benefits side. By enrolling dad in the VA hospital he is now eligible for medical benefits. He has really good insurance & so far we haven't needed the VA for medical benefits, but since we don't have a crystal ball to see the future we thought it was a good idea.

Whenever we go to these types of meetings I have to walk a very fine line. I have to be able to talk to the people helping us about dad's situation without belittling him. Luckily, dad moves very slowly, so usually I can get a quick explanation in before he is in hearing distance. The intake guys desk was right next to the waiting room, so there wasn't much room for quick conversations. When he asked how he could help, I just quickly told him "My father has Dementia & we wanted to get him enrolled for medical benefits." I don't think dad heard, which was good, because he forgets that he has Dementia & then usually argues that he does not.

The hard part came later when the VA guy was asking about the pension payment for Aid & Assistance that dad is supposed to be getting. As he was looking at dad's paperwork he asked about the payment & I told him that the payments had not yet began. He questioned that the letter stated the payments would begin June 1st. That was when I had to explain, that later in the letter it also stated that because of medical evidence dad has been declared incompetent to handle his own finances and a fiduciary would need to be appointed. I started the sentence several times trying to avoid using the word incompetent in reference to dad, but there was just no way of getting around it. Surprisingly dad didn't say anything...at least not right away. As we were finishing up the meeting and getting ready to stand up, dad stopped and said, "And by the way, I am not incompetent." I should have just left it at that, but trying to explain myself I said, "Just for handling you finances dad." Dad then said, "I am not incompetent, even when it comes to my finances." I didn't say anymore.

Thank Heavens for the VA man at that point, he just reached out to shake dad's hand and said "Thank you for your service."

He's still got it...

This morning as I was waking up dad to give him his morning medicine, I asked him "How'd you sleep?" He closed his eyes & put his hands under his pillow & said "Just like this."

His memories may be fading, but he still has a sense of humor!

The memories are fading

Sunday as Dad, Connor, & I were getting into the car to come home from church Connor found a gray hair and quickly proceeded to pull it out. I told him he should have left it there because now three more will grow back. Then dad proceeded to tell Connor about his sister Verna.

Dad started out, "My twin sister Verna, in high school she" then he kind of hesitated looking for the right words. Then trailed off in a quiet voice with, "well, she's dead now" So I quickly picked up with the story he had started to tell by saying, "Didn't she go gray while she was in high school?" At that point dad finished telling his story about how growing up Aunt Verna had always had jet black hair, but that it started going gray while they were in high school and that she was completely gray by the time they graduated.

When dad was done, I mentioned that I always loved Aunt Verna's beautiful silver hair. Then dad asked, "Did you meet my sister?" So I said, "Yes, Aunt Verna. Remember when we lived in Santee, not too far from her." Stating more as a fact then a question to try a jog a memory. Then dad asked, "So, how do I know you?"

That's not the first time dad has forgotten what our relationship is. He knows that I am Michelle, but there are times when as he says my name, that just from the tone he uses when he says it, I can tell he doesn't remember that I am "Mickey"...I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me.

It is not uncommon for dad to ask "Who was your mother" or "Do you remember your mother" The first time he asked if I remembered my mother, I thought it was because he was beginning to forget her. But the yesterday when he asked me who my mom was, after I replied "Chips" he said, that's right and she died when you were a baby. Then it made sense to me...he was getting the story of Harriet (his first wife) dying when Norm was a baby confused.

For Christmas last year, my niece Guinevere & sister-in-law Toni decided to make a book for dad. It was going to be they story of his life. They gathered individual and family pictures from everyone and had us write a little bit about ourselves. How long we've been married, where we live, what the kids hobbies are, etc. When Guinevere first mentioned it I thought "What a great idea." Then when I got to see the book, even though it was well done, I thought "Oh, this is really dummied down" thinking that it was written like it was for a child. But dad LOVES that book, he reads it nightly! I am so glad that Guinevere got the idea and she and her mom were able to do such a good job a preserving those memories for dad.

So...this is my first attempt at blogging about the journey of caring for a parent with dementia. I have a friend at church who's mother was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year (her memory loss has progressed much faster then dad's) and her sister who is the primary care giver for her started a blog as therapy. Since I express myself best through writing, I thought it was a good idea. Hopefully this will be both a place for family and friends to be updated about the progression of dad's dementia and for me to express the feelings I am going through as we journey this LoNG aND WiNDiNG RoaD.