What's In a Name...

It's been a while since dad has called me by name. He's been in the process of forgetting it for quite some time.

Our conversations used to go something like this:

Dad: "Now, you're Michelle?"

Me: "Yes."

Dad: "And I'm your dad?"

Me: "Yes, I'm your daughter Michelle."

Dad: "That's right, and who was your mom?"

We haven't had that particular conversation lately. Whenever I come into a room where he is, I always say "Hi Dad!" so he knows he's my dad. I'm not sure he always gets the connection, but his replies lately are, "Hi Babydoll", "Hey Love", "Hi Ladybug" or some other endearment, instead of my name.

My niece Claire called today to see if we could meet for lunch. She and her husband Dan are in town visiting his family for the holidays. As we were getting ready to go to the car, dad was standing in the path to the door, so Tanner said, "Excuse me Grandpa" as he tried to get around him. Then dad turned to me and asked, "Who told these kids they could call me Grandpa?" I told him it was because he was their grandpa, that he was my dad and they were my boys, so that made him their grandpa. To which he had one of his classic comebacks, "Oh, that's how it works." He is really good at covering up when he realizes he should have known the answer to the question he just asked by making a joke about it.

Then, tonight for dinner I made dad a salisbury steak with scalloped potatoes and gravy...he's actually been eating really well lately! As he was eating it he had already told me a couple of times, "This is good soup!" Then about two minutes after the last time he said, "This is really good soup. You're quite the cook Suzy." To which I just said thanks.

Shoelaces...

Tonight as I was watching dad take his shoes off...well, actually dad doesn't just take his shoes off. He never has. First he unlaces them, next he loosens the laces, then he pulls the tongue back, then...he take his shoes off. So tonight as I was watching dad take his shoes off, I had a flash back to dad's voice telling me, "You're going to ruin those shoes by taking them off without unlacing them first."

Sometimes I Sleep on the Couch...

I am an insomniac. I have always had a hard time falling asleep. It is not uncommon to find me still awake at 1 o'clock in the morning, out in the living room either watching TV, reading, or playing games on the computer, because it keeps Eli awake if I watch TV in bed.

It used to be that every once in a while dad would wonder out at about 1 or 2 in the morning looking for the bathroom, because he forgets there is one in his bedroom. There have also been a few times that as I've walked past his room on my way to bed his light was on, and when I'd open the door to see what he's up to...he's dressed and puttering around his room...but lately it's getting to be more regular.

Two nights ago, I had gone up to bed at about 1:30 and had fallen into a pretty deep sleep and suddenly I heard "Hello!" It happened a few more times, but I was in such a deep sleep that at first I started incorporating the "Hello!" into my dream, until the mother instinct on me kicked in and I realized it was dad. When I got down to his room, he was standing in front of his window with the blinds open yelling "Hello!" I told him it was 2 o'clock in the morning and everyone was asleep, then asked him who he was calling. When I turned on the light, I saw that he was still in his pj's, but had on a belt and shoes. He told me he was looking "for the...for the...I feel like such a fool, I can't remember the name." He was holding his hands in like a circle shape, so I asked if he was looking for his flashlight but that wasn't it. He then informed me that he was working on a project for a Marine and had lost the part and was going to get in "all kinds of trouble" if he didn't find it. I told him I thought he had been dreaming...big mistake! He had NOT been dreaming, and was going to be in all kinds of trouble if this part was not found! Then I decided to join his reality and try finding "the round thing" that I knew didn't exist. After looking under his bed, in the drawers, and behind the door, I told him I couldn't find it so he should go to bed and maybe we'd find it in the morning. Dad just looked at me and said, "If you want to get me shot, I'll go to bed." I tried to calm him down and told him he wouldn't get shot, but he needed to lay down and go back to sleep. I got him back in bed and then went to go to the bathroom.

As I was walking back by his room on my way back to bed, I saw his light was on again. When I opened the door, he was looking for "the round thing" again. By this time, I am so tired that I just want to go to bed. Once again I try to help dad find this missing thing, but of course we are having no luck. I try a couple of times to tell dad we may have to wait until morning and just talk to the Marine and explain what happened, but dad is sure he is going to be put in jail because the Marine needs this missing thing "first thing in the morning." Now dad is visually upset and worried, and all I can think is "how am I ever going to get him calmed down and back in bed?" We look around some more, and now dad is calming down. I am finally able to tell him we can take care of it in the morning and he agrees, although he's not happy about it. Just as I get him back in bed and turn out the light, he says "Now I've got to go the bathroom" then makes a disgusted sound and says, "I should just piss myself." I turned his light back on and got hime steered toward the bathroom, happy to have a diversion to take his mind off "the lost thing."

Last night, right at 2:00 as I was getting ready to head to bed, dad came out of his room. I asked him what he needed and he told me he needed a ride home. When I walked over to him, he had shoes on with his pajamas and was carrying a coat, a shirt, and some pants folded up in his arms. I told him that he was home and I took him back to his room. As I was putting his clothes back in his closet, I noticed a bulge in his pajama top. I asked him what was in his shirt, as I was putting my hand inside it, and pulled out his wallet, three handkerchiefs, and a little pack of tissues. Then as he turned around to get in bed, I noticed his gloves tucked in the back of his waistband. This time it was a whole lot easier to get him back in bed!

I think maybe part of why I've started staying downstairs and falling asleep on the couch watching TV is because I know dad is probably going to wake up and start wandering. This way, I am here to guide him back to bed and make sure he doesn't wander outside.

I'm Dizzy and I Can't Get Up...

Yesterday as I was getting ready for work, I knew it was going to be a long day. I had a meeting at 8:00 a.m. to start it off, and I was going to need to attend the Legal Studies Advisory Board Meeting from 6:00-7:30 after work. I knew what I was in for as I was getting dressed, so I wore comfortable shoes and dressed comfortably.

At lunchtime, I needed to take Connor my car and have him drive me back, so that he would have a car to get to work. I am in the middle of a few projects at work, so I stayed pretty busy which made the day seemed to fly by. At 4:30 Eli called to tell me he was on his was and would be there to get me at 5:00. The plan was for him to pick me up, so that I could ride home with him and then bring the truck back for my meeting.

When we got home, Tanner was in the living-room by himself. I asked him where grandpa was, and was told he was in his bedroom. When I went to say "Hi!" dad was sitting in his chair, and he looked really pale. I asked him how he was doing and he told me he was dizzy. I asked he was dizzy while he was sitting down or if he got dizzy when he tried to stand. That's when he told me he was dizzy so he couldn't stand up. He just looked really bad, so I tried to take his pulse, but couldn't feel one. I thought he might be dehydrated, so I went to get him a drink of water. As I was getting the water, I told Eli about dad. Eli came back into dad's room with me, and suggested we call 911. As Eli was talking to the lady on 911, she told him not to give dad any food or liquids, so I skipped giving him the drink of water.

We live so close to the Fire Station that the paramedics were here in just a few minutes, and when they checked dad's pulse and blood pressure they were really low. They suggested that either they take dad to the ER or we drive him there ourselves. They had parked their ambulance behind our car, so we waited for them to hook dad up to an IV and then followed them to the hospital. At first we couldn't find a parking space, so Eli dropped me at the walk-in entrance to the ER while he went to find parking. As I walked up to the desk, I could see the paramedics wheeling dad in through a window in the door...already he looked WAY better. The IV really made a difference.

By the time the doctor came around to see dad, his blood pressure and pulse were back to normal. He asked a bunch of questions to try and figure out what might have caused the dizziness. He asked if dad had fallen and hit his head, and just as Eli and I were saying no, dad said "I fell on the freeway the other day." The doctor just told dad he should stay off the freeway and went on with his questions. He told us he wanted a run some tests in order to try and find the cause. After having blood drawn and giving a urine sample, a tech came to take dad for a CT scan. He also asked if dad had fallen lately, and just as I was saying no, dad started to say he fell the other day "when I was on the..." and then I remembered. Dad had fallen in the driveway...highway, driveway same thing right? After the CT scan they did an MRI and X-ray.

While we were sitting there waiting for the test results, I started reading an information sheet they had on the wall. It said that the average ER visit took 2 1/2 hours. After reading the sign I figured that we had been there 2 hours, so I mentally made a note to see if our visit was an average visit. About 15 minutes later the doctor came in and said all the test results came back normal. He mentioned that one of the tests showed that something with his liver was a little high or low (I can't remember), but that that could...could be a sign of dehydration. A few minutes later the nurse came and disconnected dad from all the machines, and we were on our way...2 1/2 hours after arriving.

We arrived home at about the same time I would have if I had gone to my meeting! Today dad is doing much better!

Scotty the Philosopher…

I am taking an Ethics and Values class at right now. Don’t let the name fool you though; most of the professors that teach the class have neither ethics nor values. For the past couple of weeks we have been reading writings of both Nietzsche and Camus. In their writings, both philosophers challenge us to think about the nature of morality and moral commandments, and about how we as individuals are effected by the ethical and moral demands and expectations of the society or culture within which we live. As part of a take home quiz I was asked to write a 750-1000 word essay either evaluating Nietzsche’s criticism of morality or give a critical analysis of Camus’ novel The Stranger.

Originally, I chose the first topic, but Nietzsche takes SO many words to say nothing, that I was having a hard time following him. Not to mention his moral command, live a happy life, and the fact that he does not pretend to believe in any other moral authority, including God. About a week ago, as Eli and I were driving home from somewhere, I was explaining my assignment and why I should switch topics. As I was explaining some of Nietzsche’s ideas to Eli, it was as if I (or Nietzsche) had challenged him. When we arrived home he got out my copy of Nietzsche’s writing and started reading through it and marking it up…in order to pick Nietzsche’s ideas apart…he was a man with a mission. But, since I’ve never been much of a philosopher, I switched and chose the second topic.

Then last Sunday as we were watching TV in the evening, a show came on the Science Channel that had two scientists discussing the existence of God. One was using science to argue that there was no way there could be a God, and the other one was explaining how that very same science proved there was a God. Listening to these two men got Eli and I talking again about how much the first scientist sounded like Nietzsche. Usually when we are watching TV dad has a hard time following along, and after a few minutes will say something like, “I don’t get what they are talking about.” Or “Do you know what’s going on here?” But this time he sat there with us…listening. I was sitting behind him at the desk and had thought he’d fallen asleep, that is until he started philosophizing with Eli! Dad was able to follow what the two scientists were saying and was able to articulate why the one was wrong. When it comes to the Gospel dad still remembers!

Would You Like Some Chocolate Milk With That?

Dad loves his chocolate milk! Ever since losing his saliva glands due to cancer in to roof of his mouth it has been his drink of choice. The thickness of the chocolate milk makes it easier to swallow. He also likes oatmeal for breakfast, and about a year ago he started adding his chocolate milk to his oatmeal.

Since having dad live with us we have figured out a few things, one is that he doesn’t eat much, and another is that he likes softer foods. I’m not sure if it’s because at Jamestown most of the food was soft and mushy so he got used to it, or if it’s because of his dentures. Anyway, we have learned to adjust our cooking habits. We try and feed dad four smaller meals every day, and at dinner if we are having steak or something crunchy we prepare some other soft food for dad. One thing we found that he enjoys is different rice and vegetable meals or soups…he recently started adding a bit of his chocolate milk to these also.

Sunday evening we were having taco salads for dinner. When I served dad I omitted the lettuce, so he had crunched up Fritos, meat, and cheese in his bowl…to which he added chocolate milk, a lot of chocolate milk. After about 15 minutes, he got up from the table and started toward the kitchen. Tanner saw what he was doing, and told him he needed to show his bowl to me so I could see how much he’d eaten…not that this has happened before or anything. When dad brought me his bowl at first it was hard to tell how much he’d eaten because there was SO much chocolate milk. Then I took his fork and tipped the bowl sideways a bit, and I started checking to see how much “taco salad” was left in the bowl. As I was doing this, I was explaining that it was hard to tell, but it looked like he hadn’t eaten very much and asked him if he thought he could eat a few more bites. Dad took the bowl and said he’d try. I then asked if he thought a spoon might help.

I brought dad a spoon and he ended up eating most of his dinner. As he was finishing it up, he would tell me every few minutes what a bad idea it was to add chocolate milk to his dinner…I guess chocolate milk flavored taco salad isn’t so tasty!

When Ya Gotta Go...

I am a night-owl...or an insomniac. Last night at about 11:45 I was up reading an assignment for my Ethics & Values class, and I heard a sound. It sounded like the door to the back of the house opening. (I think it used to be the back door before the addition, now it just separates the bedrooms from the rest of the house and I usually keep it closed at night, so the TV doesn't bother others that are sleeping.) When I turned to look, the door was still closed, so I just went back to my reading. A few minutes later dad came through the door. He was being slow, and I wasn't sure he knew where he was, so I asked, "What can I get for you dad, or are you looking for the bathroom?" to which he answered, "Well yes, I needed the bathroom, but I just peed outside over there." He was pointing to the foyer area by the back door. When I went to see, dad had "relieved" himself in the entryway. Oh Joy!

I'll Love You Forever...

Dad has been living in Utah for 2 1/2 years now, and the last year and half have been with us. Having dad in our home has really not changed our daily routines to much...besides the fact that Eli now stays home with dad. When we go out now, if dad is not coming with us, we just have to make sure someone is home with dad. And if dad is coming with us it takes longer to get ready and get going, plus dad's walking has slowed down considerably...I didn't really think that was possible...so getting dad even from the house to the car and then the car to the appointment takes at least an extra 10 to 15 minutes. I feel bad, because there are times when we are hurrying out for a quick trip to the bank or store & we sneak so dad doesn't ask to come along. I know he loves getting out, so I try to take him for rides or to walk around WalMart pretty regularly, but sometimes he doesn't get to come.

For the longest time the effects of the dementia have been slow, but lately dad's memory seems to be becoming worse at a faster pace. It's gotten to be that I can almost set my watch by the level of dad's confusion. It starts at about 7:20 p.m. every evening. He starts with, "So what's our status?" or "What time is someone going to take me home?" We explain that we are home, and he lives here with us. The next question is usually something to the effect of "Does my family know I'm here?" to which we explain that we are his family and that all the other family members also know where dad is and have even been here to visit him. That usually helps him for a bit, but typically less than 5 minutes later the routine starts over. It breaks my heart to see dad so confused, and about the third or fourth time he asks, he’ll say “I know you’ve told me this, but I just can’t remember…” I have to admit, it gets really tiring! But as frustrated as I get on the inside, I try not to let it show because I am sure dad is just as, if not more, frustrated.

Lately, at about 9:30 p.m., to help reduce the confusion, I will take him to his room and help him start getting ready for bed. I’ll get his dentures ready to soak, while he starts to change, then I’ll just sit in his recliner and we “visit” while he is getting his jammies on. In his room, with all his pictures and plaques, dad is not so lost. And I have to admit, growing up dad and I did not “visit” too often. Not that we had a bad relationship or anything…I was just closer to mom. Now, I take advantage of our chances to “visit,” which is usually looking through his pictures and having him tell me who all these people are, or me asking questions about when he was younger.

So last night as we were going through the routine, I thought of the cycle of life and the children’s book I’ll Love You Forever and how we are living that story…then this morning when I checked in on facebook, my friend had posted the following video that sums it up perfectly.

Are You Sisters?

We had quite a bit of family in town last weekend, because Suzy's son Spencer was sealed in the Salt Lake Temple on Friday, September 23rd to his beautiful bride Nikki, and then on Wednesday the 28th her son Brandon went into the MTC. It was fun having so much family around...I love getting to spend time with my family. We always have a good time. Dad did pretty good too. He gets confused with the grand kids and has to be reminded who they are and which one of his kids they belong to, but he even forgets my name quite often.

Suzy stayed in town to do some more pre-mission shopping and take Brandon to the MTC, but Brent and Robby needed to get back home for school. Tuesday evening we went out to dinner as a last hurrah for Brandon. At dinner, Suzy and I sat across the table from dad. I hadn't noticed him staring at us at first, but just as I noticed he asked, "Are you sisters?" In unison we answered, "Yes." Just as we answered him, you could see him get a glimmer of recognition as he said, "And I'm your dad?" I love seeing that glimmer in his eye...I don't see it so much lately.

Scotty's Here!

My nephew Brandon had his missionary farewell last weekend, so we went down to Oceanside for the weekend. Eli left Thursday, because he was going to give a ride to a family in the ward that just moved up here. They were going to rent a u-haul in L.A. and drive some stuff they left in California back up to Utah. Then Dad, Tanner, and I flew down Friday evening. The reason Eli left a day before us was so that he could pick us up at the airport. Connor stayed home because he had a job interview on Saturday.

Dad did really well! We stayed in a hotel, to help alleviate any confusion of why someone else's "stuff" was in his bedroom at Suzy's. His sense of geographical placement (I'm not sure how else to explain it) is pretty much gone. Most of the time I had to remind him we were in California for the weekend...he usually remembers that he lives in Provo now.

Every Saturday night, at bedtime, I remind dad that tomorrow is Sunday and I will be waking him up at 10 to start getting ready for church at 11. He then will set out his church clothes, so that he is ready for the morning. The next morning when I go in to wake him up, he either tells me he's too tired or will says okay and promptly go back to sleep once I leave his room.

Saturday night I reminded dad that tomorrow was Sunday, and told him that even if he woke up tired he was going to have to go to church. I explained that it was Brandon's farewell and that was the whole reason we'd come down, so he was not going to be able to sleep in.

Sunday morning dad got right up! Yay! No having to go back and wake him up a second time. Suzy's ward meets at 9:30, so we left the hotel at 8:45...just in case it took longer to get to the chapel then I thought it would, not that I thought I'd get lost or anything...

We arrived about 5 or 10 minutes before the meeting started at the same time as the Pickett's, so we were able to walk in together. There were quite a few other families arriving at the same time and the foyer was full of people greeting each other. One gentleman from their ward saw us walking in behind them and asked, "What's going on with the Pickett's that they have so much family here today?" Just after I shook his hand and introduced myself as Suzy's sister, another brother that was nearby caught sight of dad. All of a sudden his eyes lit up, and as he hurried to go greet dad he happily told the brother shaking my hand, "And see, Scotty's here!" He was the first of many of the ward members to dash over to greet dad with a great big smile and a hearty handshake. It melted my heart to see the joy in dad's face to be recognized by all these old friends!

Every Thorn Has It's Rose...

When I first started this blog I thought it would be therapeutic, but I really haven't been keeping it up like I thought I would. It's just that lately every time I think of something to post it is usually negative and I don't really want this blog to be a history of degrading events that have happened to dad.

For the longest time the effects of the dementia have been slowly progressing, but lately dad's memory seems to be becoming worse at a faster pace. Usually when we go for rides dad will read all the signs we pass...it's like having a child that is learning to read. But more and more lately he will ask what a certain letter in a word is or even just not recognize the word. I have also noticed that he forgets words when he's talking. We will be having a conversation and he just stops in the middle of his sentence because he either can't remember the word he was going to say, or forgets what it was he was talking about. Another thing I've noticed about his speech lately is that there are times when he just talks nonsense. He will say something that makes no sense at all to me and then get upset when I don't understand what it is he is trying to tell me.

Not too long after mom died Suzy and her family were here in Utah with dad for some family function and dad had a bad fall, so we took him to a walk-in medical center here in town. Boy oh boy! I never realized what a flirt dad was! He was really flirting with the nurses. When I said something to Suzy about she mentioned that he's that way with cashiers at stores too. That's when we started marking dad's decline by the age he was acting. We figured he was acting like a flirty teenager then.

A while back he went through that stage that kids go through when they are about nine and everything is a joke. Ug! That was awful! I remember before I had kids and was around my nieces and nephews at that age and how crazy it made me...then once I had my own kids I dreaded their 9th birthday!

Lately, dad bounces back and forth between a six year old that can't make up his mind and a four or five year old that has no attention span. I have learnt not to give dad choices. If you give dad a choice about something he has a really hard time deciding...if we are at a restaurant it saves time and hassle just to decide for him and then when the food comes tell him it's what he ordered. And then there are times when his attention span is all but gone. The other night I was in his room turning down his covers and getting his denture cup ready while he was getting into his pj's. He did okay getting his pajama top on, but when it came time to take off his pants and put his pajama bottoms on it literally took 20 minutes! He just couldn't keep the thought in his head that he was changing his pants. He would start to unbuckle his belt, then stop and just stand there staring at his dresser with his hands in his pockets. I would remind him what he was doing and he would start again, but then was quickly distracted. It just broke my heart to see how quickly the thought went right out of his head.

So I haven't wanted to blog about all this, but then yesterday morning dad was still asleep and Eli needed to get something out of dad's room. When Eli went into the room dad was sleeping soundly. Then as he was headed out, dad kinda stirred in his bed and said, "Good morning Mrs. Thomas" ...When dad is asleep, he is at peace. In his dreams everything is okay, he still has mom and his memories.

Remembering...

Our Bishop and his wife recently received a mission call to serve in the Ghana, Accra Mission...it's kind of funny because about two months ago I got a call from Bishop Dalton and he said, "Michelle, tell me how a couple leaves for the Ghana, Accra Mission, but returns from the the London, Leeds Mission." I then explained how mom and dad had been called to serve in Ghana, but that partway through their mission the church was ask to cease all missionary work so they finished their mission in England. About a month later, during Ward Conference our Stake President announced that Bishop & Sister Dalton had received a mission call. It kind of makes me wonder if they had their call when Bishop called me, but they hadn't announced it yet.

Since the Dalton's received their call, I have been reading dad's missionary journal. I thought it would be fun to look up the names of some of the people mom and dad worked with and see how they have grown in the Gospel. It's been kind of eye opening to see the work they did and the foundations they laid (literally & figuratively) for the Gospel to come again to the people of Ghana. A lot of what dad was doing, besides training the leaders, was purchasing property for future church houses and overseeing the construction of buildings in progress.

The field was definitely ripe for them! Twice they had men from nearby villages come knock at their door with a list of names of people who were ready to learn about the church and be baptized. It will be good to hear what has become of these men.

Reading through the pages of dad's journal has been therapeutic. We get so busy going through the day to day routines of caring for him that I forget the man he was.

New Shoes?

I received an email from Norman today with this little note:

One cute story for the Poway stay: I woke him up one day and we started the day well. When he was definitely "up" I went back to getting myself fully ready. When I returned to the living room I saw him sitting serenely, looking like he'd finished before I did. On closer inspection, though, rather than wearing his own shoes he was wearing the size 14 near-new boots I had put in the entryway for Brandon, who wears the same size I do. Dad, however, wears a 10 or 10.5! They looked like clown boots on him. Best of all, when I pointed out the problem, Dad said with a twinkle in his eye, "But I like these! I'll just try them out today. Might make my feet grow some."

One thing this disease has not taken away from dad is his sense of humor!

Home Again, Home Again

On May 10th Eli and I celebrated our 20 year anniversary. Eli surprised me with a 14 day cruise to Hawaii! He went ahead and booked the trip while I was away at a conference for work and was going to keep it a secret, but he was having so much fun looking at all the things to do on the islands that he ended up telling me.

Norman and Toni agreed to have dad stay with them for the two weeks we were away. The cruise was to begin on April 27th, but since April 26th was dad's birthday Norm asked if they could have him for his birthday too.

On the way to San Diego to drop dad off we spent the night in Las Vegas. During the ride dad sat up front with me, while Eli slept in the back seat. As we were driving along, every once in a while dad would ask me where we were taking "this load". I think he was having truck driving memories. I just replied San Diego...which would then lead to "I thought we were in San Diego"...

Then while we were in the hotel room, dad kept forgetting we were in a hotel. Thankfully it was late enough that we just went right to bed. But then I got to worrying..."What if this trip isn't good for dad?" and "What if it just confuses him more?" I actually began to feel a little guilty, but then realized that even when dad is home he gets confused...it's sadly part of daily life for him now.

We have now been back home a week and I am happy to report dad has adjusted quite well. I don't even think he remembers being in San Diego. The weather here has been fairly nice the past few days and he has even been able to go out and pull weeds in the yard.

Respite

My last two posts have been a little negative and I feel bad about that, because things are usually pretty good. Having dad in our home has really not changed our daily routines to much...besides the fact that Eli now stays home with dad. When we go out now, if dad is not coming with us, we just have to make sure someone is here with dad. And if dad is coming with us, we just have to be sure to bring a bottle of water for him since he has no saliva glands due to having cancer removed from the roof of his mouth.

Shortly after dad moved in with us, we found Aspen Senior Care. It is an in-home health service that has nurses or personal assistants that come to peoples homes to help with various in-home health needs. We don't really need in-home health care services for dad right now, but wanted to find out what services were available before we needed them. While talking with Susan, from Aspen, about the services they offer she mentioned that in June they would be opening Aspen Senior Center, a Senior Day Center. They offer respite care for family caregivers. The daily activities are very similar to the activities dad participated in while living at Jamestown.

We drop dad off about once a week to give him an opportunity to have to social interaction and activities, and to give Eli a break to run errands and such. It's kind of nice, because they have a "drop in" option. This way we aren't committing to attendance and then dad ends up sleeping in and not going. Since dad was up and about pretty early today, we decided it would be a good day to go to Aspen. Here's a couple of pictures of dad with the birdhouse he painted as craft project.

"Hello"

Dad's sleeping habits are changing. He used to stay up 'til all hours of the night puttering around in his room and then sleep until about 1:00 the next day, but lately he's been saying he was ready for bed at about 10:00 and is quite often in bed by 11:30. He still sleeps in a bit, but is usually up and dressed by 10 or 11:00. Except for sometimes...the thing that's changed is that now on the nights that he is up late (last night he was up until midnight), he is also up early!

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, so at 6:00 I called in to work and left a message that I would be late. Just as I was falling back to sleep I heard dad...he was up at 6:30 calling "Hello?" He forgets that this is my house and thinks we are at a hotel and calls out to see where everyone is. Sometimes I can tell him we are still in bed and he should try sleeping for another hour. Today when I called down to him he went back into his room, but was back out 20 minutes later..."Hello?"

UG!

Can I just say "I hate this disease!" It breaks my heart to watch my father deteriorate before my eyes!

When dad was first diagnosed with dementia, I used to wonder what it would be like...would he just wake up one day and not remember me? Now that we are in the middle of the journey, I see that it is a slow progression. We are at a very frustrating point in the deterioration. Dad's memory is continuing to get shorter and shorter, but his sarcasm is still very sharp!

It's 11:00 and I am the only one up, sitting out here in the living room with the lights out and the TV on while I do some work on the computer. Dad has gone in to his room to go to bed three times now. He is in his pj's and his dentures are already soaking, but he keeps coming out of his room with his flashlight looking for something. When I ask if I can help him, he doesn't know what he's looking for. Add that to the fact that I can barely understand him with his teeth out & he gets very frustrated with me. The last time he told me he was looking for something for his flashlight. Well, it can't be batteries he needs because it is working, so I ask if he's looking for a leather strap for it. (Dad has put a leather strap on every tool in his room. He has a bucket full of leather pieces and lacing that he uses to make and re-make straps for all his flashlights, tools and water bottles.) He tells me, "Yes, that's it." I take him back to his room, and when I open the door, there on his bed is the leather strap he just took off the flashlight! He tells me it's too short (because he just cut it in half with the scissors that are laying beside it), so I get out his bucket of leather strapping to get a longer piece. As I am getting the bucket out for him, I tell him it's late and he should probably put it all away and work on it in the morning. Big mistake!

Lately one of the things dad does, is take something someone else just said and remember it to be his idea. As I set the bucket on his bed and take the lid off, dad asks me what it's for. When I show him that there are longer straps in it he starts going off on me about how he knows what's in the bucket, because he's the one that put it in there. And that's where he got these laces to start with and that's where he was going to put them now, because it's late and he should go to bed.

UG! I was only trying to help! All I could do was stand there, bite my tongue and hold back the tears. I hate this disease!

I should add that usually when dad has been sharp or mean he is also quick to apologize. And every night as I turn down his bed and get his denture cup ready for him, he tells me how grateful he his for me.

Funny How One Thing Leads to Another...

Dad has always had two pairs of glasses...one for regular wear and one for reading. While he was living with Suzy, she started getting two pairs of each so that when he misplaced one pair...I told you about the black hole in his room...she would have a back up pair until the lost pair was found.

In November, dad's main pair of reading glasses had become lost and had not yet been found before he also lost the back-up pair. It was about time to get dad's eyes checked anyway, so I took him to America's Best for an eye exam and to get glasses. Shortly after the optometrist began, he told me it looked like dad has the start of cataracts and he would not be able to help us. He explained that I should take dad to an ophthalmologist and that any new prescription he would give me now would probably change once dad had the cataracts removed. I explained that we really needed to have some glasses for now, and that it was worth it for me to replace them later. After completing the exam the doctor said he was surprised that as he was checking dad's eyes there was actually improvement when adding lenses. I guess usually adding lenses to a person with cataracts does nothing.

In January when I took dad to the ophthalmologist, the doctor said he does have cataracts. The doctor wanted dad to take a Field Vision Test before scheduling any surgery, so we scheduled a Field Vision Test for two weeks later. The results of the FVT were irregular, and showed possible problems with dad's optic nerve.

Because of the results of the FVT the doctor ordered a CT scan. Dad had the CT scan in early February. We had to wait a week for the results though because the doctor was on vacation. When he returned, the ophthalmologist called to say that the CT scan also showed some irregularities. He said there were some patchy black spots throughout the brain, which is often a sign of cancer. He recommended that we follow-up with dad's primary care physician.

Yesterday dad had an appointment with Dr. Dorus, his regular doctor. Dr. Dorus also did not like the results of the CT scan, but he didn't seem to want to use the "c" word. He ordered blood tests and a bone scan in order to get more information.

I just received a call from Dr. Dorus' nurse, the blood works looks okay. One of the levels they check for signs of cancer is the PSA (whatever that is), and dad's has been consistently a little high. Dr. Dorus has never worried about it though because although it is a little high, it has always remained the same. According to the nurse today, dad's levels are staying the same. Hopefully this is a sign that these irregular tests are nothing to worry about. We will go ahead with the bone scan next week just to be sure.

Please keep dad in your prayers that all goes well for him.

Sweet Dreams...

Lately dad has been sleeping later into the day. For years now dad's sleeping schedule has been off. He stays up until all hours of the night and then sleeps until noon or later. When he first moved in with us, we would turn out lights at 10 p.m. and start heading to bed and he got into a better sleeping pattern. That didn't really last very long though, and lately it's been as late as 3:00 p.m. when he wakes up...and he still goes back for naps.

About a month ago when he came out of his room about 20 minutes after I had checked on him sleeping, I asked him how he'd slept and he told me he hadn't been sleeping, but was in talking to mom...mom has been gone for six years now. When it happened we were the only ones home, and I forgot to tell Eli about it later.

Then during the Christmas break, we were remodeling the main bathroom and were using dad's bathroom while the toilet was removed. We would quietly sneak in and out of his room being careful not to wake him...surprisingly all the banging didn't wake him either.

I guess once as Eli was passing through dad's room he had a similar experience, and dad wasn't all the way awake but seemed to be very coherent. That's when Eli told me his theory.

Eli thinks that in dad's dreams he is the dad I grew up with. That he is able to understand and do the things he is dreaming about and everything makes sense, so that's why he's been letting dad sleep longer. Why wake him up to the state of confusion he lives in.

Remember the Easy Button

Most Saturday evenings when I tell dad that tomorrow is Sunday, he lays out his church clothes so they will be ready in the morning. I will tell him, "Church starts at 9, so I'll wake you up at 8 o'clock." Then Sunday morning when I go in to wake him up, he changes his mind in favor of more sleep.

Our ward's meeting time changed to 11:00 a.m. for 2011, so I thought getting up for church would be easier for dad...he still prefers his sleep. (Remind me later to tell me our theory as to why dad sleeps so much) The usual routine is that we all go our meetings & either Eli, me, or both of us will come home and check on dad between meetings. If he is awake when we check on him during Sunday School, then we have him come back with us to Sacrament.

Eli had meetings today after church, so the boys and I beat him home. When we arrived, dad was still asleep, so I decided to take advantage of the free time to take a nap. At 4:00 Eli called up to me. I thought it was to wake me up, so I asked him to let me sleep another 1/2 hour. Then he informed me that dad had been awake for about an hour and a half, but had not yet eaten because his teeth were misplaced.

Ever since he slept with his teeth in about six months ago, I have got in the habit of going into his room at about 9:00 p.m. and telling him it's time to start getting ready for bed. Them I pull back his sheets, lay out his pj's, and get his denture bath ready. Last night I fell asleep early and forgot to go set things up for him.

When I went into dad's room and asked Eli where he had looked, he replied , "I thought I'd looked everywhere, but was obviously wrong because I haven't found the teeth."

Three people in dad's room looking for teeth was at least 2 too many, so I asked dad if he thought he could eat some oatmeal without them, and got him set up eating breakfast.

The last time he misplaced his teeth, after looking in every drawer, nook and cranny...even his shoes, I sat down in his chair and decided to try and think like him. Just as I was thinking that he had to have put them nearby, I saw them in one of those desk organizer cup for pens. He had placed the teeth inside the pen holder and then placed a smaller paperclip cup on top of them. The time before that they were in a drawer.

Of coarse this time I went right to all the usual places, but no luck. I even looked in some places twice! Then I decided to check the drawers "one more time" and there they were! He had put them in his shaving cup, filled it with water, and placed it inside one of the bottom drawers on his dresser. He doesn't usually use those drawers, so I had not checked them. Next ime I need to remember to check the easy places first...and not overlook the drawers he doesn't use.

The Many Faces of Dad...